(Just a note: we call the baby thumper because of the thump thump of his heart from all of the doctor's visits)
There's an array of reasons why im freaking out and i'm worried that this entry will far surpass the length of all my others. I really want to go home because I've worked myself up to a tizzy and its so quiet in the office because both of my bosses aren't here. But alas I still have 4 hours left.
I discovered today that labor and delivery is going to cost infinitely more than I had expected. Tim and I the very clever people we are have not remotely prepared for these costs and quite honestly I have no idea how we're going to manage. I also do not qualify for FMLA because I haven't been in my position for over a year, and from my understanding of the Short Term Disability policy--it's quite crappy. The lady in HR is going to look into it more for me but it looks like of the 3 months I was planning on taking off (which I might not be able to at this point) only 4 or 6 weeks of it would be covered at 50%. Which means for the remaning amount of time we'll have no income coming in. And to top it off it looks like my health insurance won't be covered either so I'll have to magically not be getting paid and paying ridiculously premiums since I cover myself, Tim and thump. It's going to be ridiculously tough!
And thats not including the fact that I discovered how much labor is going to cost. I had to call Medica to ask them if they pay for my childbirth classes (no--thats another $150 out of my pocket) and since I had them on the line I asked for labor coverage. I have to pay a $500 deductible and then 20% of the remaining balance BOTH on my care and thumps care. So thats $1000 up front, plus the remaning balances. I asked Jeanette how much her labor cost (she gave birth at the same hospital about 6 mths ago) and she said $15,000! That means that my 20% is going to be a whole lot of money I don't remotely have. And the money that's left over from the wedding still has to buy an array of things we don't have for the baby yet because no one has mentioned having a shower so it looks like the one over thanksgiving was it. I don't know how we're remotely going to pay for all this--I'm not even thinking about daycare and the expense of diapers and other misc things yet.
And to top it off, we really need to get a new car--I know its unrealistic considering but I really don't want to put this on the back burner. Tim pays a ludicrious amount a month in gas (something like $250) and his car really isn't safe for a baby anyways (rolls easily) but I can't imagine adding a car payment to our already over extended budget. And cause we graduated we're going to have to start paying our loans soon! And I have no idea when or how much because they manage to make finanical aid the most difficult process in the entire universe especially cause you're spread across multiple different vendors! HUFF.
As if I wasn't already freaked out--I spent a large portion of last night sobbing uncontrollably as has become my new forte and that was before I knew any of this. I thought it would be nice to turn on thumps lullabys and sit in my glider in his room and read my pregnancy books. What that turned out to be was me reading all about labor, well up until the point where I freaked out to a near panic attack and couldn't read anymore. As much as the idea of a natural childbirth does not appeal to me as I have no pain tolerance neither does being strapped to multiple different tubes and having a giant epidural needle stuck in my back. It was WAY to graphic in the what to expect when you're expecting and I really did not need to know every detail and i hate needles and really freaked out about all this. Usually you don't expect pain. As in you don't know you're going to do something and its really going to hurt, but here its a slow and steady progression towards an inevitable pain and there's absolutely no way around it. You have to go through it. It's a forced pain. I just can't wrap my head around that as everyday passes I get closer and closer to what I can't even imagine. I mean--i'm going to freak out extensivily. I just can't... I can't even write about it. The fear of this unknown immense pain. How do you reconcile such notions in your head?
However, my immense amount of crying or causing an earthquake as I imagine it feels to thumper had little to nothing to do about the pain but more so entirely to do with the fact that Tim was at work, as usual, and couldn't calm me down. And how I'm always alone. I see my husband of a whopping two weeks for maybe 6 hours a week. As I'm nearing the end of the pregnancy I cannot continue doing all of this alone. I've already done it by myself for 7 months without any help and now I just can't. I hate coming home to an empty house, idly filling the time and falling asleep by myself. There's this ridiculous empty void in the bed that can only be compared to how it feels after a break up and you're back to sleeping by yourself. That utter emptiness around you. I don't think a newlywed shoudl find any comparison to a break up before the ink has even dried on the marriage certificate. I just hate being so lonely all the time, having to do everything by myself gets increasingly difficult day after day and I'm so terrified that thump will be born and thats what it will be like. Just me and him by ourselves all the time with no one to help us. I don't think I can do it. I mean i can but it will be at the consequence of ridiculous emotional stress. Its just so hard being away from him all of the time. Its like having a long distance relationship when you live in teh same apartment.